Many were the jokes about the "club chaplain". The "chaplain" was of use in more ways than one. I think the chief objections to coming to England were urged not so much by the players themselves - their relatives were the stumbling-blocks. It is an old saying that the finest sight in the world to a Scotsman is the high road that leads to England. However much that may be so, and however eager the players themselves were to come, their parents would strongly object. Living all their lives in remote parts of Scotland - or, at any rate, some of them - they were loth, naturally to part with their sons; and then there was the going to a strange country, which, to their humble, pious minds, was desperately wicked, much as London is to the English bumpkin. I remember we should never have tempted one famous player's mother to let him go if the "chaplain" had not been there solemnly to promise that her son would be sent to "mae Papish convecticle with a parson in it, but allowed to worship according to the presbyterian faith in which he had been brought up. And in the presence of us all, the old lady reverently knelt on the earthen floor of the humble cot and earnestly petitioned the Almighty that He would be pleased to rule and direct and prosper her son. If ever a prayer was answered that was; the old lady's son made sufficient money to retire from football eventually, and he is now a useful and well-to-do citizen of the town of his adoption.
Sometimes our experiences were less edifying. The "chaplain" on one occasion had need of all his prayers for his own safety. It was in Glasgow, and we three had made our headquarters at an hotel there while hunting for a celebrated player. Our presence became known to his club, and a plot was laid to entrap us. The club secretary himself called at the hotel, pretending he was the player whom we wanted. He was rather shy of coming to close quarters; so we made an appointment to meet him the same night at a house in Govan-hill and settle terms. I thought it cruel hard lines that at the last moment I had a raging attack of toothache. It was a blessing in disguise. I escaped the unpleasant adventure of my two colleagues, who went without me. They were attacked in a low part of Glasgow by a mob of footballers, vowing vengeance on the "poachers"; ancient eggs flew right and left, like wise bags of yellow ochre, and more dangerous missiles still, and at last they had to take refuge in a friendly doorway and knock for admission to the house. Here they passed an anxious time until the arrival of the police, who had been drawn to the spot by the row; half a sovereign rewarded their kindly host, and then, escorted by a large body of Glasgow police, they arrived back at the hotel, not without a parting salute of eggs and ochre from the disappointed mob. The "chaplain", I must say, bore a very unclerical appearance. It was rumoured afterwards, at home, that I was the "chaplain" having disguised myself with his clothes; but, as I have said, I was saved - saved by the toothache, probably the only instance on record in which the toothache ever did anybody any good. I would go through it again under the same circumstances.
After that, when in Glasgow, we adopted different tactics. Each of us stayed at a different hotel. The trick was simple enough, but it never failed to work at night. I would then call, in a cab, on my colleagues, pretend to take each of them up in turn, and drive off, followed by a crowd of angry Scots vowing vengeance on the English thieves who were stealing all their best players. When the enemy were out of sight the other two gentlemen set about business unmolested. I engaged the attention of the crowd till it was time to return and "CAPITAL BAGS, OLD MAN," was the news that saluted me when I went to inquire next morning how the ruse had worked.
Of course, we were not uniformly successful. We had to put up with many disappointments, and perhaps the keenest of these to me at the time was in the case of a well-known Scottish international on whom I had set my heart. He had as many minds as a chameleon has hues, and he changed them as often, He accepted £20 from me to come at last, and I thought I had him safe. It was only to cry off again and we had considerable difficulty in getting back the £20. We did in the end - without the player. I believe that afterwards he really did come to England. He was a great failure, and went "hame" again, so that here once more Fortune was my friend, though his appearance was as forbidding as that little attack of the toothache. One never knows his luck.
I don't think I have said anything yet about my quest after a footballer at some dynamite works, near Saltcoats in Ayrshire. It was not a job that I relished. There had been an explosion just before at some dynamite works, and half-a-dozen men were blown into the air, and came down, in little bits, about a fortnight later. They may not have been the same dynamite works, but I did not stop to distinguish; I hated them all alike, and if I could have put the job on to anybody else's shoulders I would have cheerfully resigned the task. The lot fell on me, though, and go I had to. The result was not an explosion, or rather not one of the deadly kind. An explosion there was, a wrathful shout when the fellow workers of the player saw what I was about. I did not see him and did not wait to, with a howling mob at my heels. They ran and I ran. It was a mile to the railway station, and I can fairly say I came nearer to breaking the record on that occasion than I shall ever do again. While still retaining a pretty good opinion of myself, I must candidly say that I could not do the performance again. I was younger and slimmer then than I shall ever be in the future, and I reached the City of Refuge first - the railway station, I mean - caught a waiting train - the only friendly thing at hand - and had soon placed a safe distance between myself and Saltcoats. Dynamite works or no dynamite works, I would not have gone back while that crowd was about.
And so I could go on telling of other escapades - of drives down lonely lanes at dead of night, as the safest way of getting at a player whose house was watched; of awkward spills in the roadway, though breaking no bones; of arriving on the scene at the wrong moment, say just when a team had won a match and the player I particularly wanted had done most to win it. That unhappy conjunction of circumstances - no fault of mine, I need hardly say - appeared to drive every body to singularly emphatic outburst of frenzy. I suppose I must have looked to them like the butcher who has come to take away the pride of the flock. And I had to flee, or rather, the horse had. How often have I regretted at such crises in my existence that I am not a cyclist.
All things considered, I have been exceptionally successful in "Hunting for Men." Since becoming secretary of the Liverpool Football Club I have signed on many more. But these had been secured by the transfer system. And here my theme must end. "Hunting for Men?" There is no necessity for it now. I have told you mine - at any rate, the more exciting of them. I have only to add that, in spite of them, I have many friends in Scotland, and none more friendly than some of those with whom I used to come in conflict with in the old days. We learnt to respect each other as rivals, and we are all the better cronies, I think, for the mutual appreciation born of the strife in "Hunting for Men."
Copyright - Leicester Chronicle and the Leicestershire Mercury
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