Small Talk had long since switched off and was about to go home when the phone rang...
Hello. Is that Small Talk?
Sometimes. Who's this?
Kenny? Kenny Lynch?
Blimey! [Small Talk had arranged for him to call two weeks previously so stumbles around for its questions, scrawled on a napkin] Well, Kenny. The pleasure is most definitely Small Talk's.
No problem. What is this?
Erm, Small Talk.
Just a series of ill conceived questions, really.
[Sounding irate] I'm no' interested in making it easy for journalists.
I'm no' interested in making it easy for newspapers, going on to your site and using my quotes...
Rest easy, Kenny, it won't be of interest to proper journalists. It's just stuff like What was the last CD you bought?
Oh Jesus Christ! [Kenny bites and begins thinking]
Never mind, we'll come back to that in a minute. How's the golf?
No' bad at all. Apart from the shanks, of course.
Ah, the dreaded shanks. What are you off these days?
Is that better than Hansen?
No. No. He's good. He's off three, I think.
Do you two ever don the pastel slacks together?
Aye, we're actually members of the same club in Southport and sometimes play together in competitions. We don't ever win anything, mind [laughs], but we play together.
Well it's the taking part, isn't it...
Oh aye. That's what I'll tell you when I lose you [laughs].
As for the fitba, what was your finest hour? Or hour and a half?
[Thinks for a while] I think if you throw all the highlights in there it might just about add up to an hour and a half [laughs].
Come now, Kenny. Enough of the false modesty.
Well there's a lot of things I'm proud of. Getting signed professionally with Celtic, that was a huge thing. Then progressing into the reserves, making my first-team debut, scoring my first goal, winning my first trophy. Moving to Liverpool. Managing the club. They're all special moments.
But one must stand out above all others?
Well when I left Celtic for Liverpool my ambition was to win a European trophy and we won one in my first season. So I suppose that was special. Then winning the FA Cup in 1989, after Hillsborough. That was special because it was not just for the club but for the people of Liverpool.
Which goal was better - the winner in the 1978 European Cup final or the volley at Stamford Bridge in 1986?
The guys in the pub can argue about it. I'll put the two of them on a dead heat, there. I'll tell you what, it didn't matter that I scored the goals, it only mattered that we won. And it didn't matter what you won, you always enjoyed it.
I'll bet. Graeme Souness recently said that at half-time in a game at Coventry, the pair of you traded punches. Is that true and did you connect?
No, that's no true. There were plenty of arguments but it never went that far. That's not true.
In Spinal Tap, Nigel Tufnell claims Alan Hansen's wife can run faster than yours. Was that based on any evidence?
I've no' see it [Laughs]. They said what?
That Mrs Hansen can outsprint Mrs Dalglish. Does that sound about right?
Well I don't know [sounds puzzled, not unreasonably]. Marina was certainly quicker than me in my playing days but that's not saying much. Hansen was far quicker than me, so by that I'd guess it might be about right. But I don't think you'll ever get a race between Janet [Hansen] and Marina, and I don't think they'd argue over it.
No, probably not. What's Kenny Dalglish's favourite biscuit?
Er, Digestives. McVitie's Digestives. Either milk chocolate or the plain one you can put butter on.
And who or what would you put in Room 101?
Jesus Christ! No idea. No idea. I'll need to come back to that one.
Not a problem. As promised, What was the last CD you bought?
Motown Magic, is it?
It's a compilation. Aye, Motown Magic.
Is it any good?
[Sounds highly excited] Oh aye, it's top notch, the old Motown Magic!
Does any one track stand out?
No, they're all classics on Motown Magic.
How about the current stuff, Kenny. Who do you dig?
I don't know what's current. What's current?
Blazin' Squad, Gates, Blue etc...
I don't know any of them. Robbie Williams, aye, Robbie Williams. He's brilliant.
But miserable, the poor Hollywood millionaire. What's your favourite TV show?
I enjoy watching... Jesus, this'll make me sound like a geriatric... I like watching the soaps - Corro and EastEnders, mainly.
Would it be overstepping the mark to ask what colour underpants you're sporting today?
Fucking hell! [sounds more surprised than offended] Black. Black boxer shorts.
Did you just have a rummage, to be sure?
No, I didn't need to. I put them on. Three weeks ago, mind [laughs heartily]. They were white back then though [chuckles on].
Erm, how much is a pint of milk? (Fully-flexible answer: about 40p)
Er, 20p is it? [Small Talk scoffs] 40p? Aye but I'm getting half-pints, so 20p's about right.
I'm not arguing with the King on that one. Well done. Kylie or Britney?
I'm no' particularly bothered by either of them. [Kenny's tone prompts Small Talk to move swiftly on]
Lion v tiger, which would win?
Male or female tiger?
Erm, let's make it male...
I'd back the tiger, I think. No, the lion. Wait a minute, I was watching a documentary, there, and I saw the lion. I don't know, just say the lion, maybe.
Cheese or chocolate?
Erm, probably Cadbury's Dairy Milk.
What's your poison?
A glass of wine, but only every now and then. What you buying?
Only the best for you Kenny. How about a cheeky carafe of Black Tower?
I'm no' sure about that.
John Barnes isn't really cut out for television punditry, is he?
I don't see how that's relevant to myself, is it? [sounds irate]
Erm, erm. Room 101?
Erm, the shanks at golf. I get them a lot and I just can't get rid of them. Stick them in.
Will do. And where are you off to now?
To get ma dinner.
Great. What are you having?
F'king no' got a clue, pal. The wife's making it so it'll be nice, don't you worry about that.
Well don't let it get cold, Kenny.
All right pal, all the very best.
Copyright - The Guardian